**A Japanese company has come up with the perfect sleeping partner for women -- a man-shaped pillow. It's a headless torso with a stuffed arm that curls around the sleeper. Wow, snuggle city!
    But if it doesn't snore or belch, it's just not the same.

**Shock jock Howard Stern said Wednesday he will abandon his syndicated morning radio show to join satellite radio in 15 months, freeing him from government regulators and allowing him to bring his fans his show his way. In other words, Howard has no immediate plans to grow up.
      Hey, as long as we don't have to look at him....

**The newest pickup line at senior singles bars: "Hey, baby, want to travel with me to Canada and split a flu shot?"

** You probably saw that President Bush was in Rome for the Pope's funeral. It was a very somber moment, and a very awkward moment, when President Bush met a group of Cardinals and congratulated them on beating the Astros. -C. FERGUSON

** This is interesting. Prince Charles postponed his wedding to Camila Parker-Bowles because it was scheduled for the same day as the Pope's funeral. When asked about it, Charles said, "I don't want this enormous, tragic event to compete with the pope's funeral." -C. O'BRIEN

 ** The latest Gallup Poll said most American Catholics want women eligible to be priests and want priests to be able to marry. They also want birth control condoned. If the conclave were held in America, the next pope would be Teri Hatcher...  -A. HAMILTON

 ** If Congress passes an energy bill, American may see two more months of daylight-saving time. We will need the extra daylight to wait in line for gasoline...

 **  Top 5 Things Tom DeLay's Wife & Daughter Do to Deserve $500,000 Salaries
      5) Refill his hairspray bottle five times a day
      4) Find new terminally ill patient for him to politically exploit every month
      3) Find ways for him to blame Democrats for bad weather, sadness, & toenail fungus
      2) Recruit burly men to keep crowds from laughing at his speeches
      1) Entertain hundreds of lobbyists always waiting outside his office with music, booze, and strippers...  -J. NOVAK

** NBC has signed a three-year deal with World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc."  Kickoff card pits Matt Lauer and Katy Couric against Gene Shalit and Mary Hart in a best-of-five tag team match.   -THE WIT WIZARD

 ** Fashion is so confusing.   On TV, an expert was talking about the new Spring Fashions for 2005.  She said "Green is the new pink".   How can that be?  That's like saying polka-dots are the new paisley. That's like saying ankle socks are the new boxer shorts...

**  Online search engine leader GOOGLE has unveiled a new feature that will enable its users to zoom in on homes and businesses using satellite images. It's really the perfect service for the stalker or terrorist on a budget.  -D. MILLER

** There was a concern at zoos in China that their panda population may be in trouble. Apparently, the pandas are so fat, they can't mate. Well, that hasn't stopped us Americans, has it? Send those pandas over here!  -J. LENO

**  It was chilly at opening day at Yankee Stadium. It was so cold Jose Canseco was injecting players with hot cocoa...  -D. LETTERMAN

**  ABC said Tuesday that its hit "Desperate Housewives" will be back next year. NBC said it will premier "Law & Order: Special Desperate Housewife Victim's Unit."
     CBS will add "Desperate Housewife Crime Scene Investigators."

**La-Z-Boy has lowered its profits forecast. The furniture maker blamed weaker earnings on the rising cost of raw materials. People are paying so much for potato chips, beer, and basic cable that there's no money left for the recliner.

** "The Vatican has launched into damage control about Pope Benedict XVI's past. They insisted he was coerced into the Hitler Youth and forced to fight for the Third Reich. On the bright side, it was the first peaceful day Tom DeLay has had in months."  -A HAMILTON

** "Pope Benedict the 16th hinted again today that he expects to have a short reign at the Vatican. Not because he expects to die soon, but because he wants to hurry up and move to America before Social Security runs out of money."  -J NOVAK

** "President Bush says that an attack on Iran is ridiculous. You know what that means ? we?re going to attack Iran"  -D LETTERMAN

** "Did you hear about the guy who drove his SUV into a Wendy's? Psychiatrists said it was a case of unrequited, low-self-esteem road rage. He went to the drive-up window, ordered chili, and DIDN'T get the finger."  -B WILLIAMS

** "Pope Benedict XVI pledged Wednesday to work to unify all Christians and reach out to other religions. In other words, he's a uniter not a divider. Wow, a Republican pope!" 

** "Critics are now saying that although the Afghanistan elections weren't totally fair they were fair enough. You know, kind of like Fox News." -J. LENO

 **A 17-year-old high school student in Wilmington, North Carolina, faces a possible 30 days in jail after school officers arrested him for using foul language with a teacher. If the precedent sticks, prime-time TV might have to shut down for 30 days.
     Well, the nation might benefit by having to watch "Sesame Street" for a month.
     They're not cussing on "Sesame Street" are they?

** "Friends say Green Party nominee Ralph Nader is still very upset that he wasn't allowed to participate in the debates. Hey, he should know by now, it's not easy being Green." -K. FROG

**CHURCH BULLETIN: "Tonight's sermon: What is hell? Come early and hear the choir practice."

A sunrise is God's way of telling the world to lighten up.